BREAKING - Obama resigns

Birth certificate a forgery. "Obama" really born Antuanique Robinson on the South Side of Chicago.

"It wasn't a cool enough life story to write books about. Since my father was in prison, I made up the Kenya story, but no, I didn't murder my mom and grandmother to keep them quiet," said the chagrined former gang member.

Tony Rezko denies knowledge, "Ya think I woulda hung around with a punk from the South Side?"

Real reason? Obama paid all his taxes - not qualified to serve in his own administration.

Joe Biden to take oath of office. "My first act as President will be a Hair Club for Men stimulus package."

In other news: Ann Coulter aborts love child with Matt Drudge. "After he broke my jaw, I only let him sleep with me because he told me he was gay."