David Vitter watch, day 2137, give or take

Today is a great day in the annals (two Ns, so shut up!) of Republican lying adulterers. Mark Sanford (R-only a sin to be a Democrat) will never again be seriously challenged by a Democratic candidate.

According to those exit polls, Mr. Sanford held a three-to-one lead among voters who described themselves as liars, cheaters, or sleazebags.

Once again, the majority of a conservative electorate has proven more committed to ideology than to the personal virtue they bullshit about whenever Ted Kennedy is the topic of conversation.

No big loss, really. Colbert Busch was never going to hold that seat past 2014. Now the Republicans are stuck with Sanford.

Maybe he, Vitter, and their role model, Newt Gingrich, should rent a limo with the up-suspension package and triple date. Oh, the stories they could tell to entertain their dates!

Limits of sympathy

Andy Borowitz:

The decision of Sen. Rob Portman (R-Ohio) to support same-sex marriage after learning that his son was gay has inspired hundreds of other Republican lawmakers to stop speaking to their children immediately, G.O.P. leaders confirmed today.

(For the humor-impaired, yes, this is satire. You never heard of Borowitz, huh?)

I want to ask something more serious. Why is it that Republicans are so incapable of sympathizing with people who are different or in need, right up to the point at which someone in their family has a need?

It seems to me that they have a fundamentally tribal and defective moral sense that can't recognize others as deserving their human sympathy.

Update (3/25):  But girls should still submit to barefootedtude and pregnancy...

Rmoney takes a dive

Hilarious ineptitude:

Mr. Rhoades also credited the addition of Rep. Paul Ryan to the ticket for being “invaluable” in scaring off potential voters: “Mitt knew he could get booed off the stage at the N.A.A.C.P., but it takes someone special to get booed off the stage at the A.A.R.P.”

We Democrats and liberals need to aid and abet Rmoney's implosion. The Republicans are showing us who they really are, but it's up to us to let everyone else know.

Maybe a slight exaggeration

Another limited hang-out from Mitt R-money:

Minutes after PETA’s response, Mr. Romney released an amended statement, saying that Seamus Romney had served as C.E.O. of Bain “posthumously.”

Repeal the Enlightenment

Andy Borowitz reports on Rick Santorum:

At the first stop of his ambitious journey, Mr. Santorum restated his reason for seeking the White House: “I am running for President today because the position of Spanish Inquisitor is no longer available.”

There is no Vatican number higher than I. Latin Mass, yea!

Gravity is only a theory

Pat Robertson intentionally misquoted:

“We have to remember that the heavens are where God lives,” Rev. Robertson said during the broadcast. “If we launch something into outer space that God thinks is gay, He’s going to kick it right back to us.”

Stand-up on the Titanic

If there aren't enough lifeboats again this time around to save the entertainment, instead of small string ensembles, maybe we'll get to swim in the bracing North Atlantic to gallows humor:

Calling the results of today’s Iowa straw poll “alarming,” Standard and Poor’s took the unprecedented action of downgrading Iowa’s IQ.

We've already hit the iceberg. How long till we go down by the head? Carpathia, are you out there?

Palin denies jumping the snark

... no matter how much the snark wants her to:

[S]he saved her most fulsome praise for her favorite American hero, Paul Revere: “In his famous cry, ‘One if by land, two if by sea,’ Paul Revere proved that you don’t have to know how to count higher than two to be a great American.”

No business like show business

Any man who took a casino into bankruptcy has some 'splainin' to do:

In a piece of good news for Mr. Trump, a new poll showed a majority of likely voters agreeing with the statement, “Donald Trump being sworn in as President would be a great last scene in a Planet of the Apes remake.”

Or Idiocracy.

Honestly, isn't it obvious to everyone that America has thrown an even bigger nutty than a John Bircher's previously impotent dream of a wet dream?

Making the O face

As in O'Donnell - but in opposition:

Harley Farger, a leading Delaware masturbator and planner of the Million Masturbators March, said it was difficult to organize masturbators “because they’re used to acting alone.”

(h/t DailyKos to Digby to DownWithTyranny)

Cheers to peace

Nobel Insiders: Beer Summit Sealed it for Obama

Friendly takeover

See Andy Borowitz on important Wall St. liaisons.

Why he gets the big bucks

My April Fool's posting had Barack resigning, and I thought it was pretty funny. The rest of the world yawned.

Actually, had I managed to provoke even so much as a yawn, I would have been pleased. I thought the headline might bring in the wingnuts, but even that small stratagem failed.

Yesterday, Andy Borowitz showed how to do this story. So he's four weeks late - he's hysterical:

The reporters seemed stunned by the President's decision in light of the fawning media coverage he received during his first 100 days, but the hyperbolic nature of that reportage, ironically, may have been the prime motivator behind Mr. Obama's shocking move.

"Let's face it, I'm not going to get better coverage than I have to date," he said. "The only guy with a higher approval rating is that dude who landed the plane on the Hudson - or maybe that other dude who escaped from those pirates."

At least I got the structure right.

Sitting in Peet's this morning

My old college roommates haven't lost their brilliance in the past nearly thirty years.

B. said, "I was disappointed by all the headlines about racial barriers overcome. We voted for the smart guy with the judgement and insight to have a chance to solve the problems we face."

"Yeah, and that's a huge barrier to overcome, too."

"Exactly."

Update (11/24): Another classmate nails it. No, I didn't know him.

And Obama is fine with it

Coals to Newcastle for me to link to Andy Borowitz, but what the heck. The image of Hillary Clinton in a Chevy Suburban ramming Obama's campaign bus is worth it.

Obama has switched to post-primary campaigning. He has the nomination won, so he's starting to make nice with Hillary in order to reach her voters. Smart guy.