The first evasion

I find myself thinking back to Periclean days of 2000, when so much of what has happened since could have been avoided. That would have taken a more perceptive electorate better informed by a press that actually cared to inform its audience. Instead, the media chose to sell politics as a chance to revisit middle school, but it was still theoretically possible that this disastrous administration could have been prevented.

The press corps' behavior these days is probably the touchstone of memory. Odor is a goad to recall, and the media's current stench arises from their swooning, Elisabeth Bumiller admiration of John McCain, here playing the role of the eighth grade boy who wears Budweiser T-shirts and QBs the football team. The press loves the stupids. It just can't help wanting to be cool instead of smart.

Ah, to remember the past might be not to repeat its errors. What an optimist I turn out to be even now. But I digress.

Imagine Gov. Duhbya in 2000, safely ensconced in the role of Republican Presidential nominee, by which of course I mean figurehead for the shadowy permanent Republican apparatus, filled as it is with once and future felons, some pardoned, others off on technicalities. Darth Cheney is happily lining his pockets at Halliburton, though due to some poor acquisitions and the lack of an active war, he isn't lining the pockets of his shareholders.

Duhbya has a problem that he can't solve by himself - no surprise, since he has never really solved any problem by himself.

"Mr. Cheney," he says, "Turdblossom recommended you as someone who could help me out."

"Yes, Governor, I am fully capable of exercising any power. Uh, that you might bestow upon me."

"I need a veep, see. Ol' Turdy says I need someone who knows his way around Washington, some guy who can get things done on the Hill. Why's Hillary so important that she has to get things done on her? Rove didn't tell me that."

"Capitol Hill, sir."

"Capital punishment Hill? I'd rather sign a capital punishment Bill, if you know what I mean."

"Never mind."

"Anyhoo, Karl wants someone who's a strong conservative, but it can't be someone who scares the bejeezus out of independents, so I can't put James Inhofe on the list. For some reason, Karl wants someone who looks like a moderate, all the while he talks about being a conservative. A course, the Christers have to love the guy."

"Mm-hm, Governor, anything else?"

"Number one, my veep has got to be committed to eliminating taxes on entre--businessmen."

"We are looking for a Republican, aren't we, sir?"

"Damn right."

"So we're pretty safe on lifting the tax burdens of our big contributors."

"Great, Dick, that's one down. Karl said you were a problem-solver."

"What else can I do for you?"

"I want you to be in charge of finding a good veep for me."

"Thank you, sir. I'd be delighted to identify some options for you. Any other criteria?"

"Cry what?"

"What other qualifications should your vice president have?"

"Gotta be for a strong executive while Republicans have the White House, which oughta be permanent. Also gotta be avnucular."

"Avuncular?"

"Whatever you say. Got any ideas?"

Darth thinks, Rove set this up perfectly. I'm obviously the guy. I'll give Duh--Gov. Bush a couple of other options and point out their flaws, and Rove and I will both get what we want.

"Sir, I look forward to serving you. I'll get back to you in a week."

We all know the story. Darth put himself forward, probably posing as a reluctant last resort.

There was only one problem: Both of them resided in Texas, and there's that pesky Twelfth Amendment, which opens:

The Electors shall meet in their respective states and vote by ballot for President and Vice-President, one of whom, at least, shall not be an inhabitant of the same state with themselves...

This was going to be close even with the press all over Al Gore like cow patties in a cow pasture. Duhbya and Darth would surely both need Texas's electoral votes. So, after the two of them announced their selection, Darth boarded a plane to Wyoming to "establish residency" there for the transparent reason that they already needed to subvert the Constitution, even before the election.

Hardly anyone in the punditocracy deigned to notice that this was unmitigated bullshit. After all, how important is the Constitution compared to compassionate conservatism?

See "Documenting the tatters" for more about the Bushist destruction of the former Constitution.