Bush v. Gore, part deux

"Josh, get me Wilhelm Rehnquist."

"Mr. President, it is a privilege and an honor to serve you today, but Mr. Rehnquist has gone to that great vote-suppression paradise in the sky."

"Yeh, right, I remember appointin' that Roberts guy, the one who actually made it through Harvard on his own. Y'know, nevermind Roberts just yet. Get me Jim Baker."

Ring. Ring.

"Uh. Hello."

"Jimmy White Shoes!"

"Mr. President. Is there a geopolitical crisis?"

"You're durn tootin'."

"Did you bomb Iran?"

"Nah, not yet, but I like the way McCain sings the Beach Boys. I need your help with another recount thing."

"Sir, you're not running for anything."

"But that damned Al Gore just won a Nobel Prize! There's gotta be something I can do about that. I own the damn Supreme Court."

"Mr. President, they don't have jurisdiction. The Nobel Committee is in Norway."

"Damn Norwayians. And after we rescued them from ..."

"From the Nazis?"

"Right."

"Sir, I recommend that you issue a statement that says you're happy Gore won the prize. You can't let the media see you when you get churlish like this."

"Good idea, Jim. That Dana Perino can look as girlish as she wants, but I can't. I'm the decider and the protector. I have to look stern but confident, and Karl's not around anymore to remind me."

"Mr. President, if I might change the subject: About the recommendations of the ISG..."

"Jimmy, gotta cut you off and get to my morning weight lifting."

"No twelve-ounce curls, I hope--"

Dial tone.

"Mr. President, you have a call from Henry Kissinger."

"Should I tell him to call back later, much later?"

"Nah, I'll take it. Just give him five minutes to listen to that klezmer hold music he hates so much."

Duhbya admires his manicure and peers vacantly out the Oval Office window. He wishes Laura hadn't made him send Condi off to State. He thinks he'll arrange a visit to Foggy Bootie soon.

Ring.

"Hullo, Herr President."

"Hey, Hanky Panky. What can you do for me?"

"Alvays right to the point, Mr. President. I called to cheer you up. Remember that I never became President, even after my Nobel Peace Prize. You are still dear leader of the free vorld."

"Who was that guy you shared the prize with? The Big Tho or something?"

"Le Duc Tho, sir."

"Don't sound very appetizin' if you know what I mean."

"Sir?"

"Nevermind. You got anything, Hanky? 'Cause I gotta go."

"Mr. President, have Condi declare that peace is at hand, then find someone to negotiate with, and maybe you can win a prize, too. Or you could continue the true legacy of Alfred Nobel."

"Come again. You lost me."

"Nobel invented dynamite. You could just keep blowing up evildoers."

"There you go, Panky. That's the nicest thing you ever said to me."

Dial tone.

"Josh, get me Petraeus."