Bush v. Gore, part deux

"Josh, get me Wilhelm Rehnquist."

"Mr. President, it is a privilege and an honor to serve you today, but Mr. Rehnquist has gone to that great vote-suppression paradise in the sky."

"Yeh, right, I remember appointin' that Roberts guy, the one who actually made it through Harvard on his own. Y'know, nevermind Roberts just yet. Get me Jim Baker."

Ring. Ring.

"Uh. Hello."

"Jimmy White Shoes!"

"Mr. President. Is there a geopolitical crisis?"

"You're durn tootin'."

"Did you bomb Iran?"

"Nah, not yet, but I like the way McCain sings the Beach Boys. I need your help with another recount thing."

"Sir, you're not running for anything."

"But that damned Al Gore just won a Nobel Prize! There's gotta be something I can do about that. I own the damn Supreme Court."

"Mr. President, they don't have jurisdiction. The Nobel Committee is in Norway."

"Damn Norwayians. And after we rescued them from ..."

"From the Nazis?"

"Right."

"Sir, I recommend that you issue a statement that says you're happy Gore won the prize. You can't let the media see you when you get churlish like this."

"Good idea, Jim. That Dana Perino can look as girlish as she wants, but I can't. I'm the decider and the protector. I have to look stern but confident, and Karl's not around anymore to remind me."

"Mr. President, if I might change the subject: About the recommendations of the ISG..."

"Jimmy, gotta cut you off and get to my morning weight lifting."

"No twelve-ounce curls, I hope--"

Dial tone.

"Mr. President, you have a call from Henry Kissinger."

"Should I tell him to call back later, much later?"

"Nah, I'll take it. Just give him five minutes to listen to that klezmer hold music he hates so much."

Duhbya admires his manicure and peers vacantly out the Oval Office window. He wishes Laura hadn't made him send Condi off to State. He thinks he'll arrange a visit to Foggy Bootie soon.

Ring.

"Hullo, Herr President."

"Hey, Hanky Panky. What can you do for me?"

"Alvays right to the point, Mr. President. I called to cheer you up. Remember that I never became President, even after my Nobel Peace Prize. You are still dear leader of the free vorld."

"Who was that guy you shared the prize with? The Big Tho or something?"

"Le Duc Tho, sir."

"Don't sound very appetizin' if you know what I mean."

"Sir?"

"Nevermind. You got anything, Hanky? 'Cause I gotta go."

"Mr. President, have Condi declare that peace is at hand, then find someone to negotiate with, and maybe you can win a prize, too. Or you could continue the true legacy of Alfred Nobel."

"Come again. You lost me."

"Nobel invented dynamite. You could just keep blowing up evildoers."

"There you go, Panky. That's the nicest thing you ever said to me."

Dial tone.

"Josh, get me Petraeus."

Unassailable generals

John Kerry said:

I don’t like any kind of characterizations in our politics that call into question any active duty, distinguished general, ... who I think under any circumstances serves with the best interests of our country.

I have two words for Kerry: William Westmoreland.

The very real question that MoveOn raised is whether we can trust Gen. Petraeus to serve the best interests of America, to whose Constitution he swore his oath, or only the best interests of his patron, Duhbya.

Criticizing the military

If Americans can't criticize our military, particularly generals who have repeatedly let themselves be used by the Bushist regime, then John McCain's end of liberty is too moderate, and Duhbya should get it over with and roll the tanks down Pennsylvania Ave. to the Capitol. That would put an end once and for all to this messy, loud, fractious democracy, and we could all get back to watching "reality" TV.

Look at the last five years of statements from the military brass. Whenever one of them departed from the Bushist line, oops, he's purged, end of career. The remainder, not just Gen. Petraeus, who's a late arrival after all, have been heavily invested in Republican talking points and have engaged in politics in every statement to the media.

Did Peter Pace deserve criticism - perhaps even to impugn his integrity - when he publicly supported all the bonehead decisions Duhbya made that he now says he regrets? Of course.

A good case of kiss my ass

So, Mitch McConnell and Tony Snow are outraged, outraged that MoveOn.org would smack Gen. Petraeus around in print. Oh, and John Boehner, too. And, of course, Joe Lieberman (I-I), who never saw a Bushist talking point he wouldn't, caaaww, mimic.

CNN even quotes John Kerry as calling the ad "over the top", and Kerry's a guy who has actually seen over the top. Why he mistakes this slightly juvenile play on words for excess, I can't say. (Of course, now I could be quoted as calling MoveOn's ad "juvenile".)

Yesterday, CNN also had Harry Reid dissing the ad, though they've "corrected" it to say "a member of the Democratic leadership, speaking on background".

What real Democrats need to say is this, "I've looked at the ad, and only a very small child would think there's something wrong with it. No, I'm not going to condemn our allies at MoveOn for unveiling the truth, and tobacco-money bagman Mitch McConnell can kiss my ass."

That last part, maybe not, but a guy can dream, can't he?